How To Make A Local Hit Song...

The Kampala nightlife and radio waves are ruled by the country's most club-banging songs. The kinds of songs you'll hear your 7-year old neighbour singing word for word with incredible precision. If he's in the mood, he'll even burst out the appropriate dance moves. But, when you take a moment and focus on these songs, you'll find an undeniable similarity with most of them. Now, for those that are looking for the secret sauce that will make your track delectable, here's the recipe.

#1 Introduce everyone involved in making the track. This is a must, and if done properly, will have people jumping to their feet even before the real song begins. Most people start by mentioning the producer. If the producer has a good reputation, half your work is already done. If you don't do it, you are doomed to fail. You can also add, "It's another one..." even if it's your first. After all, at this point you don't have many fans, and most listeners don't know better. But they will keep their ears to the ground waiting for 'another one'. For me, whenever I hear 'Diki Music' I just begin bobbing my head.

#2 Introduce a new slang/phrase. Come up with a new word or phrase, use it repeatedly in the song, and soon everyone will be using it. It must be vernacular. We are not here to teach people English. Support the local language. Think about it. Do you know what 'dorobucci' means? Now you get the gist of it. Teach Africa something new. Totya lossi.

#3 Feature someone prominent. There's plenty to be gained by doing a collabo, especially if you're new to the music game. But even experienced musicians know it's good for the fans to do a collabo. My personal choice would be Irene Ntale. She seems to just elevate any song she features in. Just make sure the collabo is not a competition of vocal prowess. You want harmony. Like Radio and Weasel, who are on full-time collabo mode. If you are fortunate enough to get an international artist to collabo with, do not waste the opportunity. It's your chance to create something epic. Don't hurriedly whip up a song in 4 hours and call it a hit. We will notice how bad it is instantly. And randomly throwing in "Badman Rasta featuring Mavado" won't automatically make us like the song. Put in the effort.

#4 Make sure the lyrics have double meanings. Listeners love musical riddles. On top of being catchy, you'll have the entire city talking about your song, trying to decipher its true meaning. They'll be like, "Is he talking about black tea, or some kind of person? What does this 'chai mukalu' song really mean?" Yes, that's what you want as a musician. People listening and talking about your song. Up to now, people honestly believe Sheebah really loves ice cream.

#5 Shoot a video. Now, there are three essentials of any good local music video. Fruits, background people, and at least one smiling girl. Makes it believable. You don't want to be seen as distant. You want people to see you as someone they can relate to. Leave the expensive cars and numerous girls to the rappers. Unless your song is about such things, then it's appropriate. But if you're singing about how humble and down to earth you are when you're clad in more gold chains than an Egyptian pharaoh, you are truly lost.

#6 Sing things we can hear and understand. These things of rattling and bubbling unintelligible nonsense should no longer be allowed. Either you're a moron or you have the lousiest songwriter in the business. Or both. We want music, not a silly excuse to spend 3 minutes. Besides, if you can't sing, what are you doing in the studio? You're just giving high school students headaches as they try to jot down your lyrics for the next miming session.

#7 Don't say your own name more than once in your own song. Twice, if you really must. We are not complete idiots. The radio presenters will tell us. you told us at the beginning. You'll probably say it in the outro. Don't throw it in the lyrics every now and then, even if it rhymes with 'pizza'.

Now that you're armed to the teeth with this advice, you can head over to the studio and work on another run-of-the-mill hit song. Hopefully we'll have pleasant memories of it several years later, like we do now whenever we listen to 'Mic ya Ziggy Dee'.

A Movie Henchman's Guide To Survival...

This is not a list. A list reminds people of rules and regulations, which most don't like. But since some lives depend on what I'm about to throw down, I'll just call it 'a couple of things you'd like to know/do if you intend to pursue a career as a movie henchman'.

For starters, a henchman is a person (usually male, for the gender sensitive, because offing female minions is still frowned upon) who works for the bad guy (or girl, whatever). Could be the bodyguard, the guy that carries the wallet and pays for stuff, the guy that wards off the unwanted attentions, the guy that opens doors (did I just describe an ideal boyfriend?). Or it could be the random guy watering the flowers, or the driver, or the bartender. You know what, it could be anyone that works for the bad guy. We're not taking any chances. More often than not, a movie plot will require the hero to storm the premises of the bad guy, with serious intent of dispatching all those that stand in the way. Even statues, doors, windows, TVs, plates, tables, curtains, and sometimes dogs, are not exempt from this serious intent. These guys are not entitled any dialogue time, except to say something which will eventually turn out to be cruel irony. So, to avoid all that, try to do/not do the following:

Tip #1: Do not talk to the hero. This usually only serves to distract you from something that's supposed to happen. You're just a small piece of the grand plan. If you can't stop him yourself, go find your supervisor. He's highly paid. He should earn his salt.

 Tip #2: If it looks wrong, it is wrong. If a guy swipes a card and the machine rejects it, cuff him immediately. You can ascertain his true identity later. Being late for a meeting should be the least of his worries at that point. A tourist holding a map inside a warehouse looking for a restaurant is obviously up to no good. Dispatch him immediately. If there's any complaints (if the guy miraculously survived being dispatched), refer him to your supervisor.

Tip #3: There's no such thing as a henchman 'corporate ladder'. There's not even job security. In fact, it's probably the most insecure job in Movie-ville, next to being the bad guy, or a market vendor in a curiously conducive location for a car chase. You're not going to get promoted. You'll sooner die than see a pay raise. And the circumstances under which you'll be offered a raise will not be in your favour. When the hero raids the bad guy's villa and tries to get him to surrender, the bad guy will say no and tell his henchmen that he'll offer a huge sum of money to whoever brings him the head of said hero, and then scamper off to 'safety', leaving you with the insurmountable task of dispatching a hero filled with serious intent.

Tip #4: Never, ever, kidnap someone who means the world to the hero. That will not end well, and you'll not even get a chance to spend the down payment of the ransom.

Tip #5: Initiative never pays. You're paid to do, not to think. Your boss will not welcome any suggestions you might have. Even if those suggestions would have saved him, it is his destiny to be vanquished. How dare you try to interfere with your boss' destiny, eh?

Tip#6: Endeavour not to be present during rituals, scientific experiments, and the like. Those are well above your pay grade. Let's just say that things you probably don't understand are always out to prove their point to the bad guy using the less fortunate. That means people like you.

Tip #7: Never be the bearer of bad news. This is even more important if your boss is a raging, psychotic... Er, actually, regardless of the nature of your boss, just don't be the one delivering bad news. It's bad for your health.

Tip #8: Be a coward. This involves basic maths skills, like counting. If the hero shows up, with or without backup, recognize that the odds are already stacked up against you and run for your life. Then you can go and snitch on your boss or whatever. Chances are that by the time the movie ends, you'll be blissfully sipping on a mojito somewhere serene, with witness security and everything, You'll survive and thrive, and you'll have a gift most henchmen never have... Peaceful retirement.