Lover's remorse is the sense of regret after
having made a lifelong commitment to one person, in this case, a spouse. For
the sake of this article, let's go with spouse, since it has a degree of
finality. A lover hopes that all that time, energy and resources will have been
spent on a worthwhile pursuit of a significant other. It comes fear of making
the wrong choice, guilt over extravagance, or a suspicion of having been overly
influenced by the current spouse. It's that longing feeling you get when you
are with someone, and you feel like you've made a mistake. There may or may not
be something inherently wrong with your choice, but the last thing you feel is
contentment.
Lover's remorse is created through
increasing distress associated with increased choices. I mean, the
more potential mates one sees, the more difficult it becomes to pick one. Then
they get caught up in the nitty gritty, the minute details. “He isn't tall
enough.” “She is too needy.” “He is too
arrogant.” “She is too independent.” One looks around and sees so much on
offer, but cannot partake because they are committed, as if there’s much
fundamental difference in choice. Yes, the grass on the other side always looks
greener. And it always will, no matter how green yours is. At some point, one
must settle for what they want, in terms of key acceptable attributes, and try to
enjoy life from there onwards. One finds themselves thinking about what they
will be missing if they decide to go ahead with 'the one in the hand'. Others
think that the universe has a twisted sense of timing, presenting 'the right
one' just as they've committed their life to someone.
For a goal-oriented lover (like those who badly want to get hitched, and time is running out), getting the 'wrong' spouse may not be a significant mistake. But for more involved decisions, the consequences of a wrong decision are significant. As the number of choices increase, it is easier to imagine a different choice that may have been better than the one selected. The constant comparison to one's expectations induces regret, which reduces the satisfaction of any decision, even if it fills the lover's needs. When there are many alternatives to consider, it is easy to imagine the attractive features of rejected choices and there is a decrease in overall satisfaction with the chosen spouse. And yet, to have any form of happiness (with a spouse), one must inevitably choose a spouse.
Factors that affect lover's remorse include resources
invested, the involvement of the lover, whether the spouse is compatible with
the lover's goals, and what positive or negative evidence the lover encounters
post-commitment that confirms or denies the spouse as a good idea. The effort invested in the spouse (material, intellectual,
psychological, and others) is directly related to the importance of
the spouse. Spouses that require high amounts of effort but do not bear high
rewards are likely to lead to lover’s remorse.
Lover’s remorse is nothing more than a discomforting voice in your head that isn't based on any fact. Because, by nature, having a spouse is indeed fulfilling a fundamental need. The rest are just tweaks, according to preference, which must not be taken lightly, nor compromised on, for the sake of one's sanity.
