Monday, August 10, 2015

How to behave like a gentleman... At a bar.

People go to bars, pubs, hangouts and whatnot for different reasons. Maybe they're heart-broken, maybe they are just relaxing with friends (there's few things more entertaining than counter-banter), maybe they just want to take their mind off things. Perhaps they are just waiting for the nightmarish jam to clear, so they can go home and do better things. There's a formula for calculating the reason people shouldn't spend so much time in jam, but that's for another time.

So, the bar/pub/hangout is where you find many types of people from different walks of life that aren't put off by the music or the prices. You can find the most random behaviour in such places. but there are things that are an absolute no-no for the classy types.

1. Have a wristwatch. Let not your time-telling depend on your phone, that is prone to running out of juice at any point. It's just ungentlemanly to ask the lady next to you for the time because your phone blacked out. Er, also, don't look at the time during a conversation. If you're bored, you can find more creative means to say so.

2. Be on good terms with the bartender. Bartenders are life-savers. If you know them, they can save you plenty of common bar troubles like solicitors (I won't call them anything else, for I'm a gentleman), people prone to fights, blacked-out phones, etc. You can literally hand your valuables to the bartender and feel safe. Also, it's just classy to walk up to the bar and wave two fingers at him, only for a double whiskey to meet your hand a minute later. I forbid leaving a debt at the bar, but sometimes these things happen. If it does, you must clear your debt the next day. Gentlemen don't drink beyond their means.

3. Never order for yourself any drink that is pink, multi-coloured and/or comes with a tiny umbrella and a straw.

4. Don't be in fights! This is an absolute no-brainer. There is no reason at all for a gentleman to be fighting in a bar, ever! So what if you find your girl grinding another man? That is your own failure as a man. She's out to have fun, so let her. If your girl likes to dance, but you don't, antagonizing the guy dancing with her doesn't help at all. If you must fight, take it outside, and be done with it quickly, if you are adequately skilled. If your fighting prowess comes from watching several hours of Sony Max, then you'd rather have just stayed at home.

5. Don't dance alone. You only dance if you ask a lady to dance with you (and she agrees), or she asks you to dance (in which case you have to agree. Never deny a lady a dance, ever). And when you dance, keep it simple. Stay away from the exaggerated moves of the more energetic youths. Just dance enough to show the lady that you do in fact know how to dance. These things of dancing as if there's no tomorrow are not acceptable.

6. Hold your drink in your left hand, at all times. When you're being introduced to someone, it's ungentlemanly to switch your glass from right to left, wipe the moisture from your wet hand on your pants and then deliver an unduly delayed handshake. You should always be ready to greet people at a moment's notice, and your greeting hand should be dry at all times. Oh, and smile while you greet, repeating the person's name while you do. It helps to remember the names, at least for that night.

7. Don't ever stand in one place, doing nothing or creepily watching people, or 'doing stuff' on your phone. That's unmanly. You are at a bar and it's a taboo to not have a drink, even if you're just waiting for someone to arrive that's just around the corner. You just go ahead and order a drink and wait. And if you're taking a break from the banter and just want to loiter for a bit, be sure to be constantly moving. We've already established that standing in the bar without company and a drink is unacceptable. If you're alone for extended periods, a seat at the bar is ideal. Okay, at the very least, be seated. To be on your feet is to be mobile. If you must stand, you must dance, and dancing alone is already outlawed.

8. Don't be loud. When you have to converse and the music is too loud, finding a slightly less noisy spot is adequate. No need for a gentleman to raise his voice for any reason. Competing with loud music is bad for your health. Also, you don't want drunk people shouting into your ears. Trust me, you don't.

9. Never be the first/last one in the bar. That one should speak for itself.