Tuesday, March 31, 2015

A Movie Cop's Guide To Survival...

Cops are like the bread and butter of every (real) movie. It's almost impossible to watch an entire movie without a member of the law enforcement disposition making an appearance. Whether it's just making a housecall to repsond to a noisy complaint or stopping a band of dangerous thugs, these guys are necessary in Movie-ville.

Of course, in the more serious movies, being a cop is a very dangerous career, that often gets one chockful of bullets or blown to smithereens. They too need to learn how to make it in the dangerous world of Movie-ville. Here's how they can do it.

Tip #1: Learn how to survive a car chase. Honestly, most cops in car chases are either suicidal or have a fetish for crashes. Really, it's tiresome seeing law enforcement getting wiped out by a crazy con on the loose, behind the wheel of a garbage truck, making a mockery of pursuing cops. At least play Need For Speed Most Wanted to get a few tips. Man, those cops are aggressive drivers! Also, just because the state pays for those cars doesn't mean you should crash it the first chance you get!

Tip #2: Don't do 'one last mission' on the day of or before your retirement. Seriously, don't. History shows that that day is heavily jinxed in Movie-sphere. It's even worse when you show main cop/protagonist a photo of your loved one(s) on said last mission. You might as well be sealing your fate. Just the kind of things that make directors and scriptwriters get on your case. You don't want their unwanted attention. Trust me.

Tip #3: Don't stop a dangerous looking driver, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, for idle chatter. If you have cause for stopping him, get right to it, instead of joking around. If you need a means to kill boredom, tune in to truckers' CB chatter. You'll laugh for days. But stopping a pale mustachioed man with an absurd 'innocent' face is definitely not a good a good idea. The next sound you hear will be your groan as you cower in death, and disbelief over what just happened.

Tip #4:  Learn how to take cover. Don't be the hopeless muck running around with bullets flying all around you. You're not the main cop. The rules of gunfire most definitely apply to you.

Tip #5: Choose your friends carefully. Don't be corrupt, and most importantly, do not, under any circumstances, become the main protagonist's friend. In fact, you'd rather be corrupt than be the protagonist's friend. At least you'll have died for something. You could die just by the protagonist telling you to 'wait here'. Be the jackass who doesn't like the protagonist. You'll have no reason to be in situations thereafter that endanger your life in any way. If he ends up getting caught in a shootout, you'll be safely tucked away in a seedy bar waiting to hear of his fate on the 7 o'clock news.

Tip #6: Become a SWAT officer. Apart from having the heavy duty gear and kevlar, you get to be on the winning side, for once. These are the guys who never heed to the warning 'drop your guns or I drop him/her' and then promptly get shot. They are called in when words have failed. So they have no reason to listen to whatever the antagonist has to say. Besides, they have body armor. Huge bonus!

Tip #7: Learn how to profile quickly. This business of looking at a suspicious character quizzically for  10 minutes before deciding whether they are a threat or not is very dangerous. Suspicious characters tend to act quickly when suspected. You must learn to decide in less than 3 glances if someone is dangerous or not. And if they are suspicious, and dangerous, retreat to a safe distance and call it in. It's no use trying to apprehend a vanful of gun runners with two revolvers.

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