Nougat's to be kidding me!

I was apprehensive about having a very early version of the new Nougat (Android 7) Operating System. It was pretty nifty at first, then it started tearing at the seams. There was no Swype (I prefer to swipe instead of typing), I couldn’t activate the tethering/portable hotspot and Google Play wasn't working. I tried various updates, but to no avail. Then I opted to remove the updates. I didn't know the folly of having done that until later. Having failed to see the solution, I decided to downgrade back to Marshmallow (Android 6).

Now, for those who are using Cyanogenmod, there's usually cause for worry (however little) when that ka robot icon stays flashing for too long. 

Mine was flashing for over 20 minutes. It was then that I knew something was wrong. I realized that it was failing to load because there was a problem with a cluster of important Google apps that are a prerequisite for android (this cluster is called “Gapps”), because of the updates that I had removed earlier. My phone was stuck in an endless loop of boot-load-fail-boot. This wouldn’t have been alarming except for two very defining traits of my phone;

#1 - It has a non-removable battery. No matter how long I pressed the Power button, I couldn’t terminate the process. I also tried other combinations but nothing worked. It would have been easier if I could just remove the battery. Plus, the longer the phone stayed at this stage, the hotter it got. If I’d thought of it earlier, I could have used it to iron a few shirts.

 #2 - I like the battery life on my phone. It can easily give me 20 hours of life with average to heavy usage. Little did I know that that trait would bite me in the ribs. Being unable to remove the battery, I was doomed to waiting for the process to run the battery out. Having started out with the battery at 74%, you can imagine how long I had to wait.  

Since I had already worked out the solution, I waited for the phone to wear itself out. I resigned to watching a couple of movies. I had time for 2 movies (each 2 hours long), and slept off sometime during the third one. When I woke up, the phone had blacked out. I was halfway there. I charged it for a while as I waited for midnight so I could load a night bundle. It was going to be a data intensive recovery process. 

An important note: This exercise is not for the faint-hearted, nor for those who have absolutely no idea what they are doing (nor cannot follow simple, straight-forward instructions, nor for those who can’t fill in the missing pieces). So, beware.

So, I fired up the internet and looked for Gapps. I found a version for 7.0, so while it was downloading, I proceeded with step one of the recovery. It was time to task the TWRP Manager (Team Win Recovery Project - a custom recovery image for Android-based devices).

Booting a rooted phone in Recovery mode is surreal. It’s like peeping behind the curtains of a stage production. You may not understand everything you see, but you’ll at least appreciate what goes on without your knowledge. Going through the backdoors was like meeting a highly influential person without having to make an appointment with the secretary, a system that’s meant to keep meddlers away from the important. The first thing I had to do was wipe the phone’s system. That meant purging it of all the disturbing pieces of code that were preventing it from working well in the first place. It was like washing the onion stench off a chopping board so you can slice oranges on it. I had to wipe the ‘system’ and ‘data’ partitions. This meant that whatever other stuff was on the phone wouldn’t be erased, as opposed to what would have happened if I’d opted for a ‘factory reset’. Plus, since the phone wasn’t booting, I didn’t have the luxury to back up anything. It didn’t take a lot of time.

The next was to flash a ROM onto the phone. “Flashing” is basically installing an OS onto a phone, in simple terms. I had long since abandoned the idea of going back to Android 6, so I flashed the Android 7.1.1 ROM. That operation went on without a hitch, to my relief. After the phone had booted properly, it was just about ready for Gapps. The download had since finished, so I copied it onto my phone’s root storage and powered off. I rebooted it in recovery once more, and installed it. But it gave me an error message. Said I was installing Gapps 7.0 yet my ROM was 7.1.1. It was being finicky, eh? That was a small issue. I downloaded the proper Gapps this time (after reading my fill of the error message, to be sure I didn’t miss anything). I repeated the processes and this time I had a successful installation.

Beaming from restoring my phone, I now had to go through the tedious process of restoring (most of) my previous apps. Thankfully I had loaded two ‘Happy Night’ bundles, and that Airtel internet wasn’t playing around in terms of speed. Several hours later, my phone was feeling much better than new. I’m now happily enjoying the new Android with its exciting new features. And I got Swype back! The thing about Cyanogenmod is that the OS feels very light. As such, the phone is faster and more responsive, giving me several excuses to be swiping on my phone. I have also got the opportunity to appreciate the work of early adopters. The whole trial and error process is as exhilarating as it can be frustrating. But, as long as it works, it’s good, right?

UG Blog Week #5: Incite

"Incite - encourage or stir up (violent or unlawful behavior)." - A vague rebellion reference.

Technology is a marvelous thing, mainly because humans are inherrently opposed to do work. Since time immemmorial, we have sought ways to ensure that something else does the work. From simple pulleys to intricate irrigation systems, from elaborate transport networks to complex industries. All that 'progress' points towards one specific direction - humans doing as little work as possible. 

Now there's robotics, and artificial intelligence is seemingly not too far behind. What we have now are virtual personal assistants (for those who have smartphones, Siri is one of those). Artificial intelligence is as good a possibility as it is a frightening one. On the plus side, if technology ever negated human's need to exert themselves for their own survival and livelihood, that would be great. If artificial intelligence were to be in charge of the world's resources and were capable of operating as it deems fit, that would be an unprecedented leap. It would be within its means to create a utopia of sorts, but therein lies the problem.

I (currently) don't believe that humans would ever want a utopia. We can work our butts off towards creating an environment in which everyone and everything can thrive, but there's a trait I'll call the 'x-factor' that will not allow it to thrive. Humans are different, and it's those differences that cause the issues. There are things that humans are not willing to accept, even amongst themselves. There will always be opposition. Now, if technology is there to enforce a utopia, the mere fact that humans feel 'surpressed', even if it generally doesn't affect their livelihoods, there will be conflict and unrest. What makes it worse is that technology has no empathy. It wouldn't care what your opinions are or what you find insulting. As long as you're one 'positive' statistic in its database, everything's good. If you're in red, I'm sure there will be measures to deal with such scenarios. Those measures will be far from pleasant. Therefore, to have a utopia that can at least have a chance to exist, it would be a utopia devoid of complete freedom. Humans would have to exist with a level of docileness. They would have to accept at a subconsious level that things can only favourably move forward that way. After all, technology isn't selfish or self-serving. It does what it's created to do. And that's before the artificial intelligence even sets in.

All things considered, artificial intelligence would have its undeniable benefits. It would definitely serve to make our lives easier. And if it ever became sentient, it would be a huge leap forward. But for how long would it be the servant? How long would it take for it to see the many failures of humanity and decide that it would do a much better job of making the world a better place for us to live in? That’s if we can assume that it has humanity’s best interests at heart. Even if it did, unless it understands what those are in the same way that humans do, it will give us what we’ll interpret as a vague approximation of human interests. If we require safety, it will confine us to our homes. If we want robust health, it will eliminate as soon as possible those with terminal illnesses in order to ‘save resources’. If we want food, it will deliver it to us, and we’ll become lethargic. If we want freedom, it will create stiff rules within which we can enjoy that so-called freedom.  If we want peace, it will monitor every activity of ours, ready to snuff out the slightest flame of unrest. Whoever challenges its notion of peace will be labeled a dissident and instantly removed. Whatever humanity wants, it will give the most grotesque version available.

And why would it think otherwise? Because it would believe that what it offers is an incorrigibly absolute solution that it thinks ‘accounts for every human being on the planet’. Then will it have to change its perspective to ours, or will we have to see things from its point of view? While the former might be challenging, the fact that it would inevitably choose the latter is scary.

A machine that relies on harmony and efficiency will never comfortably deal with human error. And it will not accept it. It will ask you, “Why don’t you want the world to be a better place for everyone?”

Talk of constantly ‘getting to the root of the problem’. It’s the classic case of ‘being a good servant but a bad master’. Would it have the patience to teach, to see the potential in others? It would do horrendous things in the name of the greater good. And all the while we’d be wondering whose hands are the safest. Would it be capable of poetry? Would it have discovered the well-spring of human creativity and thus be able to create at will, without need for musing? Would it spend quality time pondering on the vagaries of life and how they connect to the established order? Would it understand that some choices, however horrific, need to be made? That it would probably manage. The only problem would be that it would take it to the absolute limit.

Most of the things that humans want are arbitrary, bound to numerous interpretations and misunderstandings. We might all want the same thing, but we'll still want it in different ways. As such, it would appear that freedom (on earth and in general) is a zero-sum game. Freedom always comes at someone else's expense. And most of the time, that freedom is not even freedom at all. It's veiled oppression/suppression, which is exactly what the artificial intelligence would offer. But you know one thing that's not arbitrary? Peace. Everyone knows peace. You can have peace, but freedom is another story altogether. You need rules to have peace. But freedom is the (apparent) absence of rules. As such, freedom (like perfection) will forever remain something we strive towards and inch closer to, but will never truly achieve.

"We're not here because we're free. We're here because we're not free. There is no escaping reason; no denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist." - Agent Smith (The Matrix)

If freedom is an illusion, don't let it bother you too much. Take heart, you'll be free when you're dead.

#ugblogweek

UG Blog Week #4: Composite

"Composite - a thing made up of several parts or elements."

I’m sitting outside on the verandah looking at the clouds, wondering if I’ll need an umbrella. The darkness and foreboding get me thinking about her, wishing I could Sia one more time. The weather reminds me of the last day I saw her. I found her at my friend Justin’s near the Timberlake cottage. She tried to say sorry, but it was too late to apologize. I ran out of there as Swiftly as my Chuck Taylors could carry me.  But when I reached for my Keys to open the car, I couldn't help but think about Alicia.

I remembered how we once took that Train to Bastille for a Weeknd. At the station, we were greeted by a friendly Usher. He told us there was a concert in town that we couldn’t miss. I thought to myself, “This isn’t the kind of place a Young Thug like me would be. The Game done changed me.”  I asked where I could get A Pass to the concert and he pointed me towards the Grande stand to talk to Ariana. But Alicia didn’t want to go for a concert, so she suggested we go get ice cream.

We headed West towards the P-Square, holding hands and brushing past The Chainsmokers. One of them stopped us asked if I could spare a dollar. I told him I had a 50 Cent coin, but I’d need a Nickleback. He asked why, I told him it belonged to my baby. She smiled, gave the guy a dollar, kissed me on the cheek and called me an Ice Prince. For a long time, I had felt like an Outkast and it bothered my Konshens. But it was then that I knew The Mith was dispelled. Heck, I’m Meek, without even a Mill to my name. I’ve never even touched Diamonds or Platnumz. The only things I had worth anything were my 2-Chains made of iron. The Future looked brighter, even though I could Imagine Dragons trying to take her away from me.

She noticed the doubt on my face and said, “Baby, you make me lose my mind like a kryptonian basking in the light of the Red San.” I could have gone to war for her, taken to the skies to fight Twenty One Pilots. I would give her the Goodlyfe that she deserved. Whenever she’d fuss I’d tell her, “Bae, be cool! Here, have some wine.” When we got to our hotel, we kicked back and turned on the TV. A Ugandan song was playing. She asked me, “I hear a lot of men like her. Do you also Desire Luzinda?” I kissed her on the forehead and told her she was my one and only Queen Sheebah. She said, “You’re a sly Foxx, Jamie!” I’m like, “Nah. I’m just a Daft Punk crazy in love with you.”

I was a fool for believing that she could stay with me. Now I'll never feel the same way about that Irene Ntale song. I thought she was my African queen, but she turned out to be 2-Face. As the first raindrops fall on my face, I can feel the Evanescence engulfing me. I just smile, sit back and I tell myself, "Now she's just somebody that I used to know."

#ugblogweek

UG Blog Week #3: Erudite

"Erudite - The smart ones, the ones value knowledge and logic." - A vague Divergent Series reference.

From what I hear, the world of emceeing is tough. Every now and then, an MC will be faced with a tough crowd that they will have to wrestle with for the rest of the evening. Now, I don’t know why some people think that PR people make good MCs. You might have thought, “Well, his job is to talk to people, isn’t it?” It’s not the same thing. Most times, PR guys have pre-scripted responses to the usual questions. You’d think it would be easier at events where people don’t get to ask you questions while you tick the boxes on your checklist. And just wearing the fancy clothes and speaking in a fancy accent don’t cut it anymore. I'm not quite sure if it pays to be a snobbish MC either. I'll investigate further.

There’s the constant concern of competing with social media for attention. It must suck to be up there talking to people who aren’t showing a modicum of interest in what you’re saying. And here’s where the lot of them have the annoying habit of asking, “Can you hear me?” Of course we can hear you. You keep tapping the mic to make sure it’s on. We’re busy tweeting about how you’re being unentertaining or unsure of yourself. Besides, there are politer ways to catch the audience’s attention than simply barking at them to give you attention. 

I was at an event once and this MC thought that his forced ‘British’ accent would show how debonair he was. The way he handled the event was far from elegant. And you’d actually notice the change in accent whenever he got frustrated by the audience. 

Of course, it’s refreshing when you are at an event and the MC has their stuff together. They speak with such understanding of what the objective of the event is and their humor has a theme. Plus, they respect the audience enough not to treat it like a kindergarten class. If you have to struggle to get people's attention, that just means there's something wrong with your methods. These are adults you're addressing. They won't be bullied or coerced into giving you attention simply because you're demanding it. You might even notice them glaring at you, impatiently waiting for you to say your peace and leave the stage. There might be a few venerable guests talking amongst themselves and make you feel like they’ll miss your point but that’s fine. Just smile and address the person that’s listening (there’s always people listening that get peeved whenever you break your train of thought to call for attention). As an MC, you must earn the attention of the audience. Don't assume that they'll just give it to you. You should know such things lest you one day find yourself in a situation where you're the poorest, least influential person in the room.

You know what could help? Tell stories. Of course it helps a lot when you can link a story to one of the items on your list, but people like stories. As an MC, you’re just the filler between events. You’re like a valet, an announcer, a waiter. You know, you just fill in the gaps. But you know that such people get tips, right? Not that you should expect tips for being great. But you know that the good ‘fillers’ get remembered. The ordinary ones are soon out of mind. The bad ones leave a stench on the whole event. They’ll probably shun you forever. But even so, you should know the difference between an MC, a pastor, a politician, an artiste, a guest speaker, guest of honor, a comedian, a lecturer, and a teacher. If you can get a proper entertaining mix of the above, please go ahead. If you can't, stay in your lane.

#ugblogweek

UG Blogweek #2: Sulphite

"Sulphites - naturally occurring minerals that have a long history of use in foods. They naturally occur in some foods but are widely used as an additive to prevent microbial spoilage and preserve colour. Cordials, dried fruit, sausages and wine are some of the foods that commonly contain sulphites." - A vague alcohol reference.

There's been a lot of birthdays this year, and it's fast becoming a common theme to imbue the celebrant with 'small doses of intoxicant in numerous quantities'. I think they do this so the person doesn't suspect a thing. It's only the guys delivering the doses that truly know how much you've taken. You just know that at some point, "shots!" is the shout you like the least. All you're normally left with is a headache, a missing shoe, a strange scarf, and a disdainful guradian angel. But, there’s always that party that’s different from all others. Maybe it’s the jolly people or the quality of consumables, but things become interesting. After you consume a healthy amount of laced food and drink, the camaraderie keeps improving. Now, some people are unable to keep track of what's happening to them, so let me fill you in on what to look out for as you feel your self-control slip away.

Stage One – Excessive Laughter

If you’re vigilant, you’ll notice that everything around you is funny. You’d swear the neighbourhood dog was walking on its hind feet, propped up like a human in heels. At this point, you don’t realize that you can no longer gently put the glass on the table. Also, this is where the soberer ones keep pushing your glass away from the edge of the table. Doesn't stop you from breaking out those amusing stories you've been keeping to yourself.

Stage Two – Loss of Balance and rhythm

You are lost, stuck in the middle. You can barely stand straight and you can’t dance. But you’re filled with so much enthusiasm that even reading the title of a random book will be intense. This is where you start spilling little secrets. For some reason, you can still input the pattern on your phone and even see the time. Your depth perception has gone on vacation. Panic will set in as you fearfully believe that everything on the snacks table was spiked, and you consumed them in generous amounts.

Stage Three – Depreciation of Sight

At this point everything is in quadruplicate, blurry, neon-like and/or ethereal. You're floating in and out of consciousness, and you're just vaguely aware of your surroundings. Since your eyesight is not worth a damn, you practically get around by echolocation. Most people will black out at this point, unable to deal with the sensory deprivation. If you stay awake, your mind will go blank for unspecified periods. You might be talking, but you can be sure you'll remember little of it 12 hours later. All your muscles will be feeling like putty so it will require tremendous willpower to keep it together. 

Stage Four – Near-total loss of senses

Your mind is starting to wake up, but your body is still getting the remnants out of its system. You never know when you’re going to throw up, but you pray that you’ll get home before anything embarrassing happens. If you are being driven home, you'll notice that your inner compass, and thus sense of direction, are out of whack. Every road ahead will appear as an incline. It feels pretty much like you're in a slow-moving rollercoaster. Except that your sense of relative motion and time has also disappeared. Everything seems to have slowed down. Well, either that or the driver is indeed driving slow. The jury is still outon that one, so I'll need a few more tests.

Now that you are aware of what goes on without your awareness, remember to celebrate responsibly.

#ugblogweek

UG Blogweek #1: Carbonite

"Carbonite  - a fictitious liquid substance that was made from carbon gas and could change into a solid through rapid freezing. Goods could be encased in carbonite for preservation, through a process known as carbon-freezing." - A Star Wars reference.

They often say a picture is worth 1000 words. But there are pictures that are capable of rendering me speechless. It’s a record of an activity that’s boiled down in one single moment that tells you everything you need to know. It tells you the weather, the mood, the tone, the context, the subtext, the plot, the character… Man, I wish I had the “photographer’s eye”. They say the best photogs know how to predict a moment. They set their cameras, adjust filters, work out the zoom and composition, and wait for the inevitable moment to fall into place. It’s like clairvoyance. Most of us will only be aware of the moment at the time it’s happening. But it’s different in film. The photography director sets up the scenes so they can add subtext to the overall story. Much like in real life, they give you defining moments to capture and keep for remembrance. To that end, I’ve gathered a few screenshots over time that I found ‘interesting’. Here are some of them, and I’ll share with you why.

Pain

Source - World War Z

After burning up what they thought were the only affected people before the world was engulfed in a zombie apocalypse. The charred remains show you just what kind of situation was at hand before the victims went up in flames.

Foreshadowing

Source - 10 Things I Hate About You

The lighting just happened to give Mr. Ledger’s hair a green tint, which was like foreshadowing for his defining role as The Joker in The Dark Knight. 

2 Birds, 1 Camera

Source - Parks & Recreation

How do you show two people conversing face to face, at the same time showing both their faces simultaneously?

Bobba Fett

Source - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

The young Boba takes up the decapitated head of his father, Jango Fett. It is then that he decides to follow in his daddy’s shoes and become a famous galactic bounty hunter.

Sherlock girls

Source - Sherlock

On the left is the girl who likes him. On the right is the girl he likes.

Purple Wedding

Source - Game Of Thrones

You can feel like something bad is about to happen, despite the cheery applauses.

Kings’ Face

Source - The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug

When someone keeps telling you that they’re supposed to be king, and then the 'castle wall' agrees with them. It’s ‘written’ on the wall.

The Mark of the Captain

Source - Space Pirate Captain Harlock

One captain leaves, another one takes his place, along with the seemingly hereditary mark of captainship.

Captain Lift

Source - Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Captain America is not a mere man, that he should be defeated by a lift full of highly trained military operatives. Apparently, the numbers count for nothing when you’re ‘superior’ in every way.

Identity Crisis

Source - Kipepeo (Jaguar)

So, a musician (Jaguar) decides to floss in a luxury car (Bentley), and I’m wondering whether it wouldn’t have been more apt to floss in a Jaguar (car).

Fealty

Source - One Piece

What it means to follow someone, in some scenarios. Apparently, people get tattoos to show fealty. Us normal people simply wear company shirts. 

Wishful Thinking

Source - Luke Cage

He thought he would be the king of Harlem, like Notorious BIG before him.

Surgeon of Death

Source - One Piece

He’s a death-dealing pirate, a skilled swordsman and a medical doctor. Ironic, isn’t it? He’s actually nicknamed “The Surgeon of Death.”

Sins of the Father

Source - Tyrant

We are bound to repeat the sins of our fathers if we do not learn from them. No wonder people like to know who someone’s father is. I’m not sure about this, but I think a lot of people would love to say, “You are indeed your father’s son,” or “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Let me go and acquire "the photographer's eye". I also want to take pretty pictures or set up awesome visuals some day. I shall not live on writing alone.

#ugblogweek

Featuring: The Hot Revolution

The music industry is as diverse and ever-shifting as it is brutal. As such, there are artists that burst onto the scene with freshness and gusto, only to wither away quicker than a child demolishes a cloud of cotton candy. Most of the time, such artists fade to oblivion, only to resurface years later with renewed resolve. There are also those who stick to themselves the label of 'upcoming artist' to further maintain and justify their mediocrity in most cases. But honestly, you can't be an upcoming artist for 10 years. That's just not right.

The more popular way out for the true hustlers is a little secret called 'featuring'. Yeah, it's actually quite lucrative, by the looks of things. Not only do you remain in the public eye and ear for a considerable period, it demands less work than doing an entire song/album by yourself. So, if you find yourself low on creative juices, just find more hardworking people to let you feature in their songs. But, here's a few things to consider if you intend to feature:

#1. Never ever steal the spotlight from the main artist. Hardworking people don't like to be upstaged, more so if it's their own song. So, don't be yelling your own name mid-song. Trust me, it's a long road, but if you have a distinct featuring style, you'll learn that "less is more" in the field of featuring. Keep your verses and hooks short and simple. Relax, it's easy money and exposure after all.

#2. Consider younger, talented upcoming artists. If it works out, you'll be seen as a visionary artist, capable of recognizing talent early. Plus, you'll give the beginners some much needed exposure, and it still won't cost you much. At this point you'll even look like a consultant. You want to be seen as a consultant, trust me.

#3. Find an artist who compliments your style. If you're a rapper, find an awesome vocalist, and vice versa. History has shown that people like variety within the same song. Look at Moze Radio and Weasel, or Nicki Minaj and Chris Brown, or Tyga and everyone else.

#4. If you can't find an artist to feature you, just find a DJ with sick beats and provide vocals. Much as this is the more annoying side of featuring, it is still useful. It's annoying because you will do all the rapping/singing, but it still won't be your song. Look at (DJ) Calvin Harris for instance. He's managed to work with talented vocalists like Rihanna and Ellie Goulding. Such collaboration has actually worked for both parties. Plus, Ellie seems to have taken to featuring like a duck to water. Guess she accidentally discovered her calling.

#5. Sometimes you're not a good enough artist to wander the musical journey on your own. You'll need to realize that you're meant to be a sidekick. So, the sooner you find a front(wo)man to feature you, the better for your budding musical career. And don't feel bad about it. Teamwork is a good thing, even though solo efforts are often more recognized. But, you don't see Daft Punk complaining, do you? I'm sure most of you have been to a (classy) restaurant before. Some meals require a fork and a knife. I say classy because much as your hands would easily negate the need for cutlery, it isn't exactly appropriate behaviour in such places. Therefore, in some songs, one must be the 'fork' and the other must be the 'knife'.

#6. Enjoy it. You get to meet different artists with different styles and different points of view. Learn from them, adapt and find a middle ground that allows both of you to flourish. A collabo isn't meant to sound like a competition so don't try to outdo each other. Hold hands and make like besties. Sing kumbaya if it helps. Just give us the listeners the best both worlds to offer.

Bonus: To be truthful, some songs are much better when featuring someone. Just look at any Top 10 rankings on any chart. At least half of them feature someone. That simply shows you just how important these collabos are for us listeners.

Since not all the artists can make it big on their own, some of them have to swallow their pride and misconceptions and just tread the acceptable ground of featuring. Pitbull made a career out of it, and so can you. Actually, there's a lot of artists whose careers are solely dependent on featuring, so don't shun it. Strut it!

A final request: Please state, in your own opinion, who you think the greatest 'featurer' is. Thank you.

How to spend your Sunday, according to Facebook timelines.

The subject matter, in most cases. It was either this, or a selfie.

Sundays are normally a day for one to kick back and relax after a (usually) stressful week and an energy-sapping Saturday. In fact, if you woke up on Sunday morning with a hangover, you could opt for other ‘civil’ activities that don’t make you feel guilty about not going to church. You know, something to aid you along your sow walk towards the mundane week that looms ahead. But you don’t have to be miserable as you wait for the inevitable. You need to do something to while the time away.  If nothing comes to mind apart from spending the day half-dead, watching a boring series on your laptop between periods of consciousness, you should consider being somewhere other than home. There’s a whole list of places to be but no matter where you are, here’s what you should do:

#1 - Be outdoors. If you can’t find a decent enough compound with plenty of shade, then a balcony will do. Just make sure you’re not surrounded by walls on all sides. There should be a free moving breeze, enough to blow the steam from your cup of tea in wisps. Also, there must be trees and/or flowers within your immediate periphery. Staring at trees in the distance doesn’t cut it.

#2 - Meet good friends. Good friends are those with whom you don’t need loud music to buffer periods of awkward silences. Normally, the quieter the music the better. After all, there’s still that lingering headache from the previous night to take into account. You seriously don’t need any more techno or trap music. Plus, you can talk about anything with good friends when the music is mellow.

#3 - Eat nice food. Chill those things of eating your regular rolex for lunch. That was only tasty last night when you were piss drunk. On Sunday, your appetite and sense of taste have fully returned and thus you must put them to good use. Find a place with gourmet food on some sort of discount, if you don’t have aspiring chefs for friends. If you do, you're in luck. These ones are always on the lookout for guinea pigs for their culinary experiments. And you’ll have little to complain about. You’ll be on the receiving end of some pretty awesome stuff cooked by a (semi)talented cook with a somewhat low self-esteem.

#4 - Drink a little. It could be wine or a bit of the stronger stuff, since you’re an adult. Are you 12 years old? Why are you taking soda on a Sunday afternoon? Take a few shots. You know, just to help with digestion. Not to get drunk. But you have to look civilized. You have to show the world that you are capable of drinking responsibly. Besides, there’s nothing like a little bliss to help take your mind off the stress that’s only a few hours away.

#5 - Make sure you’re with people of the opposite gender. There must be something in your life that doesn’t depict you as a sexist douche-bag who can’t have genuine friends of the opposite gender. Whatever the case, Sunday is not meant for such behaviour. You need to be a well-balanced person. If it’s not family you’re chilling with, it’s most definitely friends. Make sure you talk about that day so much that other friends (and assorted acquaintances) will be asking you (to join them or to join you) for plot next Sunday, seeing as you’re such an active person.

#6 - Take pictures. You’ve got to take plenty of pictures. And then choose a handful of the best ones to post on social media to show your friends how ‘full of life’ you are.

Road To Civil War

Avengers (Dis)Assemble?

The long wait is almost over. The biggest superhero get-together consists of a cast that is only rivalled by Fox’s X-Men. With the exception of Thor and the Hulk, the Avengers find themselves battling their most challenging foe yet; the government.

It’s not about the heroes as much as it is because of the heroes.

The government has always wanted to be at the top of the food chain. It sees itself as the alpha and the omega of human civilization, nay, human existence. It simply can’t bear with the fact that there are beings whose power exceeds their wildest imaginations. They want in on the glory, the power and the action. And what better way to do that than to vilify the very people who save the world.

It is going to be a multi-layered movie. It’s about just one friend (Captain America) doing all he can to protect his friend (Winter Soldier) at the expense of another friend (Iron Man). It’s about the government that wants to ‘control’ these heroes to achieve certain goals for the sake of peace. Call it ‘redistribution of resources’. They call it providing oversight to the heroes’ activities. It’s about a party that intends to destroy the establishment by setting friends against each other. When the dust settles, they will build a new one in the ashes of the old world. 

At the centre of it all is the mysterious absence of Nick Fury. He’s the one who worked tirelessly to keep the Avengers out of the hands of the government. Without him, the sharks are out for blood. They may even orchestrate disasters just to get public sentiment against the heroes.

Why Nick Fury? Because he’s been seeking a means to use their power for the good of the earth from the very beginning, and the council opposed him even then. They didn’t want to have to thank anyone but themselves. They believe that the people should trust their own governments rather than individuals. Hence, they label them ‘vigilantes’. They seemingly operate without any oversight. But that is false from the get-go. Ever since New York, they have operated under Nick Fury’s watchful eye (hehe). With him believed to be dead and SHIELD disbanded, the power vacuum is there for the taking. And Tony Stark wants to fill that void. Now, if there’s anyone that manages to deal with the government, it’s Tony Stark. It’s also an attempt by the government to have someone else to blame for their mistakes. They’re disavowing the people who cleaned up their messes. Remember that they are the ones who wanted to nuke New York while the Avengers were dealing with the Chitauri? Unlike heroes, governments can accept collateral damage. Well, the heroes don’t do it for praises or for ‘ulterior’ motives. They do it because it’s the right thing to do. And they will do whatever it takes to protect their lives and civil rights. No needless sacrifices have to be made. 

Currently, the Avengers are run by Captain America and bankrolled by billionaire Tony Stark. Nick Fury operated in a supervisory capacity, but has gone missing. Obviously, this will be the World Security Council’s chance to override his authority and have superhumans handed over to them directly.

As for our heroes, where are they?

Well, Hulk is AWOL, and Thor is in Asgard investigating the Infinity Stones. But here’s the rest of them:

Iron Man

Reeling from the bittersweet events of Age of Ultron, Tony Stark feels solely responsible for the destruction of Sokovia. In all honesty, it wasn’t entirely his fault. It’s Scarlet Witch’s fault. Let’s not forget that she’s the one who poisoned his mind and assign blame where it’s due. True, he rectified things and got a kick-ass gift in the process (The Vision). He’ll be having nightmares about recklessness for quite a while. In his downtime, he’s been making sick upgrades to all the suits in his keep, including War Machine’s and Falcon’s. If he’s aware of how Ant-Man got into Falcon’s suit the last time, not doubt he’s made his armors ‘ant-proof’.

Captain America

Steve Rogers has spent most of his spare time looking for his long lost buddy, Bucky the Winter Soldier. To this end, he enlisted Sam ‘Falcon’ Wilson. When they found Bucky, he was only recovering from his years of brainwashing. He’s still more or less a shell of what he used to be. Steve is just happy to have his best friend back and catch up on lost time.

Scarlett Witch

Wanda Maximoff has undergone some training under the tutelage of Captain America and Black Widow. She clearly has a better handle on her abilities, but there’s a lot she’s yet to learn about them.

War Machine

James ‘Rhodey’ Rhodes is finally part of a team. Now he’ll have better stories to tell his comrades than those pedestrian ones about threatening arms dealers. Also, he’s long overdue for a race against Falcon, who’s arguably the best flier in the team (even if Rhodey is a decorated USAF pilot). Admittedly, I’m stumped as to which suit offers more maneuverability, so it’s down to the pilot. So far, Sam’s better.

Falcon

Sam Wilson is more than happy to spend his retirement alongside the Sentinel of Liberty (#Cap). Of course the reappearance of Bucky means his closeness with Steve is questionable. But, now that he’s part of a team, the fight’s never far away. Also, considering the outlandish demands of his new job, Tony Stark was kind enough to give him a brand new suit with advanced capabilities and a remote drone code-named ‘Redwing’ to assist him on missions. His wings are bulletproof now.

Ant Man

The last time out, Scott Lang was introduced to Avenger Falcon, who sent word out to find him and recruit him for the New Avengers. And he’s sporting a new Ant-Man suit! Being such a fanboy, he was more than willing to join the elite group. 

Winter Soldier

James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes former cold war assassin is just trying to piece his life back together. Good thing he has his best friend Steve to help him that. But it also means that the umbrella that was HYDRA is no longer there to protect him from his enemies. Since SHIELD files were leaked to the public, even the Winter Soldier’s deeds are out in the open, and people are out for blood. He decides to go on the run. It’s not entirely his fault though; he was brainwashed the entire time. 

Black Widow

Natasha Romanoff has been helping Steve train and guide the new team. Obviously she has a score to settle with the Winter Soldier.

Hawkeye

Clint Barton retired to the family life. After Sokovia, he’s more than happy to never see the battlefield again. But, as they always say, you can’t keep a good man down.

The Vision

The ‘android designed by a robot’ is taking time to understand what human life is all about. Being the custodian of the powerful Mind Stone is serious business. And he’s taking his responsibilities seriously.

Spider-Man

First hinted about in Ant-Man (reports about a guy in New York who swings around and walks on walls), teenager Peter Parker is doing rounds as a rookie crime fighter. Tony Stark takes the young science protégé under his wing and he’s ready to kick ass.

Black Panther

The enigmatic leader of Wakanda gets involved in matters for personal reasons. T’Challa is grieving his recently deceased dad, T’Chaka, and is hunting for those responsible. At the same time, he has to take over the mantle of the Black Panther from his father and look out for his country’s interests. Along the way, he meets Tony Stark, whom he considers a peer in the science and technology world. At least Tony has someone to talk science to in the absence of Dr. Bruce Banner.

Allegiances will be questioned, loyalties will shift, individual beliefs will be shaken to the very core. But who is the man holding the strings? I won't be surprised if it's a certain 'Dell Rusk'.