Ladies and Gentlemen, and esteemed readers... Welcome back from a weekend filled with excitement in various forms, shapes and sizes. For some of us, this was in the form of sports. Now, some of these reports are not exactly news. But if you didn't know before, it might as well be. What I'm saying is that it's mostly not recent news. But here's a recap of sports events that took place recently.
Football: Copa America
Brazilian model Neymar Junior smiled and waved for his countrymen as Brazil went through to the semi finals. Between posing for cameras, Neymar said that as much as he wanted to help his team, he had a very important appointment with his hair stylist. When it appeared that that appointment would be interfered with by the next game, he decided that he was more talented in brawling than in footballing, earning himself a one match suspension, which he received gleefully. Now that he got his hair done, he's ready to contribute to the team's efforts in this difficult stage where they face a stubborn Paraguay. He'll be waving at them from a safe distance in the stands. One doesn't simply mess up their new hair.
The self-proclaimed king of boxing, Floyd Mayweather says that he plans to retire undefeated, and thus consolidate his self-proclaimed title. This did not go down well with the boxing community, who still doubt his boxing credentials. Especially a one Gennady G. Golovkin, who challenged Mayweather to a fight. This is how it went down:
FM: I'm the best ever! 48 fights, 48 wins! 26 Knock Outs. Surely there's no one better.
GGG: Oh sure. Why don't you try me out? You know, just for just?
FM: Who the heck are you? I can barely hear you over the noise my money makes every minute I smile and dance. I mean, didn't you just see me bag a new high score after beating Pacman? You better run, little rabbit.
GGG: Well, I only have 33 wins in 33 fights. Clearly not as many as you, sir.
FM: Heh. That's what I thought. You are a mere child. How many knockouts? Look at you. Can you even knock something out that's not the size of a soda can?
GGG: Actually, I have 30 Knock Outs.
FM: *chokes* I'm sorry, I have to attend to my money. It's calling me.
GGG: So, are we going to fight or what?
FM: Er... No thanks. Consider me retired.
It was a race filled with blistering pace in Austria. The Hamster was in pole position and poised to lead from start to finish until his little brother Nico slapped him just as the lights went out. The angered Hamster forgot to start his car in time and Nico raced off laughing, never to be seen again until the finish line, claiming his third victory of the season. While the Hamster was furiously chasing him (presumably to slap him back), he crossed a line. That's a line he should never have crossed. In fact, no one in racing should ever cross that line. The FIA was livid, and slapped him instead, with a 5 second penalty, effectively rendering his hitherto concerted efforts moot. The big brother once again took the blame for trying to retaliate against his little brother's violence. Guess he will be trying to make amends in the next race.