Tuesday, January 5, 2016

How To Party Like A Rich Gang Fella...

Who rocks the party that rocks the party?

Since Beewol brought this matter to my attention, I've been thinking. Who are these Rich Gang fellas? Are they pretenders or true ballers? Throwing an exclusive themed party at a nightclub shows you got dime, but it doesn't show that you're a baller. and the impression they give when they take selfies lying in bed with stacks of currency seems to imply that they imagine themselves ballers. As if the black SUVs with heavily tinted windows and personalized plates are supposed to bolster that statement. Why must all of them have fur coats? Has so much air conditioning frozen their minds? It’s hot in Uganda! Why the heck would you even need a fur coat? It’s very impractical. Anyway, I digress. Now, if you're a baller, you don't ask 'Where the party at?" You are the party! If you want to party with true baller status, here’s what you should do:

#1 - Throw the party at a mansion, preferably with a pool. Throwing a massive party is something the affluent do. It's the ultimate self-glorification in most places, if the local council won't let you erect a marble statue in your honor. Remember The Count of Monte Cristo? Yeah, pick a leaf from that guy. These things of throwing theme parties at clubs do not filter attendants as well as a ‘private’ house party does. Besides, you can always hire a premium DJ. At a house/mansion, anything can happen, and people won’t have to worry about the bouncers who live to protect the reputation of the establishment. By having the party at your own private premises, you can be in control of a lot of things. Oh, it doesn’t have to be your own domicile. You could rent a furnished mansion for a weekend. After all, you’re a baller. It shouldn’t be difficult.

#2 - Hire military personnel as bouncers. Yes, they are used to following rules and have a great sense of self control even under stressful conditions. You, the baller, also get to order soldiers around. Not many people can do that, in case you hadn’t noticed. By having military bouncers, safety is assured. And they won’t get involved in situations unless there’s real danger. Plus, they’ll only be in the parking lot for observation purposes. They’ll not interfere. However, you must resist the urge to get them to bring you a drink. I assure you, they will not do that.

#3 - Get a world-class mixologist/bartender. Okay, as a baller, you’ll ensure that there’s plenty of drinks for everybody available, but you need that extra touch that sets your party apart. Even relatively well-to-do people can throw a party with free drinks. You’re a baller. You need a mixologist, likely one who can juggle stuff. It adds class to your shindig, and even makes for interesting bar time.  You hire that guy, and he'll give you a list of what he needs to make things happen. And if you sort him out, he'll make things happen. Plus, there's no demerit to having the mixologist in your favour. None.

#4 - Send invites through a guy that knows whom to invite. The success of a party largely depends on the type of people attending it. There’s this kind of person that doesn’t know what to do at a party. They go but refuse to socialize at any level, making it difficult for the people they came with to enjoy the party because they are overly concerned by their comrade’s lack of involvement in the revelries. We do not need such negativity at a baller’s party. It’s only for those that want to party. And they must be loud. No one must have a reason to utter the words ‘I am bored’ at your party. Any reference to boredom at a baller’s party shall be swiftly met with a removal of the offender from the premises, with or without their friends. 

#5 -  Make sure you're the biggest dog in the yard. You don't want a situation where you're rubbing shoulders with your peers. Those ones are not so easily impressed. You want to be worshipped so make sure those that are invited are inferior. Besides, that renders any piss contest among themselves moot. You've seen people puff up their chests while introducing themselves, feeling like the world owes them. That won't be happening at a baller's party. As a baller, you need people who will easily be pleased, and will adore you for days! You must be the centre of attention, and people should mostly be talking about you and what an awesome party you're throwing. If you want to hang out with peers, there's exclusive clubs for that sort of thing.

#6 - Be ready to banish anyone who shows up with the following to your party; selfie sticks, dogs, spouses, relatives,  negative attitudes. Seriously, why are you bringing your spouse? So you can trick unsuspecting revellers to occupy her while you go stare at lithe bodies in the pool? Maybe some people have never had the (dis)pleasure of spending the better part of a party talking to a married person. Of all the singles available in the area, why would you want to engage in revelry with a married person? If you're saying that you'd rather not fully engage in activities, refer to #4. You deserve to be kicked out, (with someone's spouse) and go have your 'fun' some place else. That should make for an interesting story. We don't want ungrateful people at a baller's party, do we?

Now, go ahead and show these pretenders how a true baller does it.You can be sure songs will be sung and tales will be told about the Rich Gang of Kampala City.


  1. FUCK YEAH!! Absolutely Spot on!!! This is what true ballers are all about. Impressive stuff.