Just a recap of sorts... Sorry, sports!

Ladies and Gentlemen, and esteemed readers... Welcome back from a weekend filled with excitement in various forms, shapes and sizes. For some of us, this was in the form of sports. Now, some of these reports are not exactly news. But if you didn't know before, it might as well be. What I'm saying is that it's mostly not recent news. But here's a recap of sports events that took place recently.

Football: Copa America

Brazilian model Neymar Junior smiled and waved for his countrymen as Brazil went through to the semi finals. Between posing for cameras, Neymar said that as much as he wanted to help his team, he had a very important appointment with his hair stylist. When it appeared that that appointment would be interfered with by the next game, he decided that he was more talented in brawling than in footballing, earning himself a one match suspension, which he received gleefully. Now that he got his hair done, he's ready to contribute to the team's efforts in this difficult stage where they face a stubborn Paraguay. He'll be waving at them from a safe distance in the stands. One doesn't simply mess up their new hair.

Boxing

The self-proclaimed king of boxing, Floyd Mayweather says that he plans to retire undefeated, and thus consolidate his self-proclaimed title. This did not go down well with the boxing community, who still doubt his boxing credentials. Especially a one Gennady G. Golovkin, who challenged Mayweather to a fight. This is how it went down:











FM: I'm the best ever! 48 fights, 48 wins! 26 Knock Outs. Surely there's no one better.

GGG: Oh sure. Why don't you try me out? You know, just for just?

FM: Who the heck are you? I can barely hear you over the noise my money makes every minute I smile and dance. I mean, didn't you just see me bag a new high score after beating Pacman? You better run, little rabbit.

GGG: Well, I only have 33 wins in 33 fights. Clearly not as many as you, sir.

FM: Heh. That's what I thought. You are a mere child. How many knockouts? Look at you. Can you even knock something out that's not the size of a soda can?

GGG: Actually, I have 30 Knock Outs.

FM: *chokes* I'm sorry, I have to attend to my money. It's calling me.

GGG: So, are we going to fight or what?

FM: Er... No thanks. Consider me retired.


Formula 1

It was a race filled with blistering pace in Austria. The Hamster was in pole position and poised to lead from start to finish until his little brother Nico slapped him just as the lights went out. The angered Hamster forgot to start his car in time and Nico raced off laughing, never to be seen again until the finish line, claiming his third victory of the season. While the Hamster was furiously chasing him (presumably to slap him back), he crossed a line. That's a line he should never have crossed. In fact, no one in racing should ever cross that line. The FIA was livid, and slapped him instead, with a 5 second penalty, effectively rendering his hitherto concerted efforts moot. The big brother once again took the blame for trying to retaliate against his little brother's violence. Guess he will be trying to make amends in the next race.

How to survive in Game of Thrones…

It's one of the most thrilling shows on television right now. It has got people so addicted and involved, I fear it might soon degenerate into a religion of sorts. SO far, people are pulling out hair, swearing revenge on the creator of the series, and having loud discussions about the fate and possibilities of several characters and situations. But perhaps the key factor about Game of Thrones' appeal, aside from the epic story, is the random deaths. Or is it random, unexpected deaths of hitherto important characters. One thing you quickly realize while watching this show is that anyone can die, in any way. So, for the sake of your heart (and sanity) try not to bond too much with any character, lest the malevolent creator does away with them and scoffs at you.

Now, for those people that find themselves within the world of Game of Thrones, I have some tips for you. Having watched 5 seasons of the show, a pattern has emerged. So, if you're a character in a show without job security, here's how to endure, and stay alive, hopefully for as long as the show will last. If you follow these, the only possible way you'll die is by Armageddon itself.

#1 - Don’t ever proclaim your relation to the Starks. The creator has an apparent disdain for the Starks, and so do everyone else in the show. If you're a Stark, it's wise to live quietly by another name. You could become a blacksmith or something. No one kills blacksmiths.

#2 - Be a man of your word. This show hates liars. Once you promise to marry a man's daughter, let not 'true love' get in the way of your promise. Oh, don't be in 'true love'. That is also dangerous in these parts. 

#3 - Be a sellsword. Live for no real allegiance. Want easy money and guaranteed safety? Go be a mercenary, get your deposit, march along with the rest of the army. On the eve of the great battle, just slink away in the cover of darkness. You'll peacefully retire on a beach somewhere and enjoy your life (hehe) regardless of the outcome of the battle you fled from. Cowards live longer. You best believe it.

#4 - Be a boring fringe character. Bumbling idiot will serve you just fine. Just as long as you don't spill drink on the bloodthirsty psychotic maniac, you'll live a long healthy life.

#5 - Be light on your moral feet. Move with the changing current. Loyalty is overrated. You must exist solely for your own survival, so try as much to agree with whatever someone powerful is saying. Convince them, and leave while the subterfuge lasts. Besides, the characters on the show have so far shown that they're incapable of sniffing out a double-agent, for the most part. 

#6 - Befriend the Lannisters, but don’t stand too close. Currently one of the safest places to be is in House Lannister. You could be the guy serving wine or washing royal robes. Anything to keep you within the palace, as long as no one knows your name.

#7 - When a disagreement breaks out in a bar/tavern, flee immediately. The level of escalation in this show is too high! One minute, comrades are laughing. The next, one comrade is being gutted by another comrade. You can't even trust comrades anymore. Even if they disagree about the size of a warhorse, vacate the premises immediately.

#8-If you know a kingdom-threatening secret, keep it to yourself until such a time as it proves necessary to tell it. Even so, make it seem like it’s just drunken talk. The rumour-mill should do the rest.

#9-As much as you love entertainment, avoid gatherings that have a huge number of skilled soldiers. The chances of dying by accident are extremely high.

#10 - Don't trust dragons. Fine, they are divine creatures, and a real marvel to behold. But be not mistaken. They are akin to prepubescent teenagers, capable of surprise tantrums, and largely unable to tell friend from foe. So, keep your distance. And if someone so happens to tame one, don't be fooled. The one who tames is the only one guaranteed (as if) safety. Don't assume that since it's in your midst, purring playfully, that you're safe. You will not see it coming. I promise you, you won't!

Lover's remorse...

Lover's remorse is the sense of regret after having made a lifelong commitment to one person, in this case, a spouse. For the sake of this article, let's go with spouse, since it has a degree of finality. A lover hopes that all that time, energy and resources will have been spent on a worthwhile pursuit of a significant other. It comes fear of making the wrong choice, guilt over extravagance, or a suspicion of having been overly influenced by the current spouse. It's that longing feeling you get when you are with someone, and you feel like you've made a mistake. There may or may not be something inherently wrong with your choice, but the last thing you feel is contentment.

Lover's remorse is created through increasing distress associated with increased choices. I mean, the more potential mates one sees, the more difficult it becomes to pick one. Then they get caught up in the nitty gritty, the minute details. “He isn't tall enough.” “She is too needy.”  “He is too arrogant.” “She is too independent.” One looks around and sees so much on offer, but cannot partake because they are committed, as if there’s much fundamental difference in choice. Yes, the grass on the other side always looks greener. And it always will, no matter how green yours is. At some point, one must settle for what they want, in terms of key acceptable attributes, and try to enjoy life from there onwards. One finds themselves thinking about what they will be missing if they decide to go ahead with 'the one in the hand'. Others think that the universe has a twisted sense of timing, presenting 'the right one' just as they've committed their life to someone. 

For a goal-oriented lover (like those who badly want to get hitched, and time is running out), getting the 'wrong' spouse may not be a significant mistake. But for more involved decisions, the consequences of a wrong decision are significant. As the number of choices increase, it is easier to imagine a different choice that may have been better than the one selected. The constant comparison to one's expectations induces regret, which reduces the satisfaction of any decision, even if it fills the lover's needs. When there are many alternatives to consider, it is easy to imagine the attractive features of rejected choices and there is a decrease in overall satisfaction with the chosen spouse. And yet, to have any form of happiness (with a spouse), one must inevitably choose a spouse.

Factors that affect lover's remorse include resources invested, the involvement of the lover, whether the spouse is compatible with the lover's goals, and what positive or negative evidence the lover encounters post-commitment that confirms or denies the spouse as a good idea. The effort invested in the spouse (material, intellectual, psychological, and others) is directly related to the importance of the spouse. Spouses that require high amounts of effort but do not bear high rewards are likely to lead to lover’s remorse. 

Lover’s remorse is nothing more than a discomforting voice in your head that isn't based on any fact. Because, by nature, having a spouse is indeed fulfilling a fundamental need. The rest are just tweaks, according to preference, which must not be taken lightly, nor compromised on, for the sake of one's sanity. 

What happened between Avengers and Avengers: Age of Ultron?

Avengers: Age of Ultron is about a week away, and a lot has happened since the previous Avengers movie. There will be those in the audience that will be confused, others dazed, others asking themselves questions no one will be willing to answer satisfactorily during the movie. As such, I've had the pleasure to present some trivial information (most of which is fact, by the way) in order to curb general curiosities. As such...

The following takes place between Avengers and Avengers: Age of Ultron...

Iron Man: 

After the Battle of New York, Iron Man went on a frenzy. Due to his post-traumatic lack of sleep, he builds 35 suits (seen in Iron Man 3). His newest addition being the extremely faulty prehensile suit Mark 42. Guess after spending time with Thor (whose hammer always finds him) and Captain America (whose shield returns to him when thrown), he decided to do the same with his armor. Pretty nifty, huh? Then he gets surgery to remove the shrapnel out of his heart. He moves into The Avengers Tower, seeing as his Malibu home was destroyed. He builds Mark 43, which is a significant improvement on the Mark 42, with an inverted colour scheme, along with a Hulk-buster unit, to 'contain' the Hulk if he ever goes rogue. Along the way, Captain America takes his new pal Sam Wilson (the Falcon) to meet Stark. Stark says he recognized Sam's outfit (the EXO-7 FALCON) as one of his (earlier) inventions. He asks Sam if he'd like to be an Avenger. Sam declines, stating that he isn't yet at that level. Nevertheless, Stark says whenever he's ready, he'll be welcome. He also hints about outfitting him with a next-gen Falcon suit, stating that the one he used before was "prehistoric". Rhodey (War Machine), who has been on several peacekeeping missions, falls in and says that he better not try to claim one of his suits. Sam retorts that heavy artillery is not really his thing. It's not like he's over compensating or something. Rhodey challenges him to a race, whenever he's ready. Seeing as both are Air Force pilots, it should be interesting to see who wins.

Captain America:

After New York, and having nothing else to do in this confusing new world, he devotes his time to the peace-keeping efforts of SHIELD. He undergoes training in modern combat methods and strategies, and even gets a SHIELD tactical uniform. He carries out various missions until he gets caught in the drama that follows the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. After the fall of SHIELD, he goes on a soul-searching mission, and he eventually realizes that he does not need SHIELD to be Captain America. That he serves people, not governments or corporations. His buddy Stark, wanting to make him look more modern, makes changes to his 'SHIELD-issue' costume and adds a few technological upgrades to it and his shield. He also invites him to live in Avengers Tower. He and Stark laugh about having African-American sidekicks, who might someday graduate into full-fledged heroes.

The Hulk:

Bruce Banner remains with Stark, and they spend plenty of time together, playing with their toys... Er.. That sounded wrong. Okay. Stark, having rebuilt Avengers Tower, invites Bruce to go live with him so they can do science-y things. There's one condition though. Bruce should not Hulk-out anyhow, or else Stark will charge him for damages. Bruce agrees. And inevitably hulks out. And Stark takes a cut from Bruce's weekly stipend to cover for the damages. While Bruce is there, Stark takes that opportunity to study him and his ability, to help him learn to control the beast better. They end up becoming close friends, which, for some reason, bothers Captain America.

Thor:

Probably been doing Asgardian stuff. You know, challenging people to brawls, occasionally visiting his girlfriend on Earth from time to time, going to check on Stark in his Tower, having arm wrestling bouts with the Hulk.

Black Widow and Hawkeye:

Probably did several SHIELD things in between. Probably dated (and broke up).

Pietro and Wanda Maximoff (Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch):

These are normal twins until Baron von Strucker (the current leader of Hydra, who probably worked alongside Red Skull) finds them. He uses the Scepter to perform experiments on them, along with several other 'volunteers'. The twins are the only ones that survive. This is (most likely) due to a genetic mutation, their father being 'The Master of Magnetism'. Anyway, the Scepter only serves as a high-powered electrical surge to kickstart their latent abilities, something that has Baron von Strucker completely fooled as to the nature of the Scepter. Pietro becomes the speedster Quicksilver, and his sister becomes the telekinetic Scarlet Witch.

Infinity Stones:

In the beginning, Thanos gave Loki the Scepter (Mind Stone) to help him conquer the Earth and get him the Tesseract (Space Stone). Loki wound up losing both of them. Thor took Loki back to Asgard using the Tesseract, leaving the Scepter on Earth, which somehow wound up in the hands of Baron von Strucker. While on Asgard, the Aether (Reality Stone) surfaces, and is eventually relieved from the hands of the dark elf, Malekith. The Aether is sent to Knowhere, to be kept with the Collector. The Orb (Power Stone) is retrieved from a dead planet by Star Lord and Thanos sends Ronan the Accuser to retrieve it. Ronan gets it, then refuses to take it to Thanos. Ronan eventually loses it (along with his life) to the Nova Corps. We don't yet know what form the other two Stones (Soul Stone and Time Stone) are in, or their whereabouts, but we'll know in due time. So far...

The Scepter (Control/Manipulation of Minds) - Earth

The Tesseract (Control/Manipulation of Space) - Asgard

The Aether (Control/Manipulation of Reality) - Knowhere

The Orb (Control/Manipulation of Power/Energy) - Xandar

There, you are now more or less caught up on various events. You should be able to go through Age of Ultron without a puzzled look on your face, and asking questions during the movie while important plot points are being revealed.

A Movie Cop's Guide To Survival...

Cops are like the bread and butter of every (real) movie. It's almost impossible to watch an entire movie without a member of the law enforcement disposition making an appearance. Whether it's just making a housecall to repsond to a noisy complaint or stopping a band of dangerous thugs, these guys are necessary in Movie-ville.

Of course, in the more serious movies, being a cop is a very dangerous career, that often gets one chockful of bullets or blown to smithereens. They too need to learn how to make it in the dangerous world of Movie-ville. Here's how they can do it.

Tip #1: Learn how to survive a car chase. Honestly, most cops in car chases are either suicidal or have a fetish for crashes. Really, it's tiresome seeing law enforcement getting wiped out by a crazy con on the loose, behind the wheel of a garbage truck, making a mockery of pursuing cops. At least play Need For Speed Most Wanted to get a few tips. Man, those cops are aggressive drivers! Also, just because the state pays for those cars doesn't mean you should crash it the first chance you get!

Tip #2: Don't do 'one last mission' on the day of or before your retirement. Seriously, don't. History shows that that day is heavily jinxed in Movie-sphere. It's even worse when you show main cop/protagonist a photo of your loved one(s) on said last mission. You might as well be sealing your fate. Just the kind of things that make directors and scriptwriters get on your case. You don't want their unwanted attention. Trust me.

Tip #3: Don't stop a dangerous looking driver, in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, for idle chatter. If you have cause for stopping him, get right to it, instead of joking around. If you need a means to kill boredom, tune in to truckers' CB chatter. You'll laugh for days. But stopping a pale mustachioed man with an absurd 'innocent' face is definitely not a good a good idea. The next sound you hear will be your groan as you cower in death, and disbelief over what just happened.

Tip #4:  Learn how to take cover. Don't be the hopeless muck running around with bullets flying all around you. You're not the main cop. The rules of gunfire most definitely apply to you.

Tip #5: Choose your friends carefully. Don't be corrupt, and most importantly, do not, under any circumstances, become the main protagonist's friend. In fact, you'd rather be corrupt than be the protagonist's friend. At least you'll have died for something. You could die just by the protagonist telling you to 'wait here'. Be the jackass who doesn't like the protagonist. You'll have no reason to be in situations thereafter that endanger your life in any way. If he ends up getting caught in a shootout, you'll be safely tucked away in a seedy bar waiting to hear of his fate on the 7 o'clock news.

Tip #6: Become a SWAT officer. Apart from having the heavy duty gear and kevlar, you get to be on the winning side, for once. These are the guys who never heed to the warning 'drop your guns or I drop him/her' and then promptly get shot. They are called in when words have failed. So they have no reason to listen to whatever the antagonist has to say. Besides, they have body armor. Huge bonus!

Tip #7: Learn how to profile quickly. This business of looking at a suspicious character quizzically for  10 minutes before deciding whether they are a threat or not is very dangerous. Suspicious characters tend to act quickly when suspected. You must learn to decide in less than 3 glances if someone is dangerous or not. And if they are suspicious, and dangerous, retreat to a safe distance and call it in. It's no use trying to apprehend a vanful of gun runners with two revolvers.

A Movie Henchman's Guide To Survival...

This is not a list. A list reminds people of rules and regulations, which most don't like. But since some lives depend on what I'm about to throw down, I'll just call it 'a couple of things you'd like to know/do if you intend to pursue a career as a movie henchman'.

For starters, a henchman is a person (usually male, for the gender sensitive, because offing female minions is still frowned upon) who works for the bad guy (or girl, whatever). Could be the bodyguard, the guy that carries the wallet and pays for stuff, the guy that wards off the unwanted attentions, the guy that opens doors (did I just describe an ideal boyfriend?). Or it could be the random guy watering the flowers, or the driver, or the bartender. You know what, it could be anyone that works for the bad guy. We're not taking any chances. More often than not, a movie plot will require the hero to storm the premises of the bad guy, with serious intent of dispatching all those that stand in the way. Even statues, doors, windows, TVs, plates, tables, curtains, and sometimes dogs, are not exempt from this serious intent. These guys are not entitled any dialogue time, except to say something which will eventually turn out to be cruel irony. So, to avoid all that, try to do/not do the following:

Tip #1: Do not talk to the hero. This usually only serves to distract you from something that's supposed to happen. You're just a small piece of the grand plan. If you can't stop him yourself, go find your supervisor. He's highly paid. He should earn his salt.

 Tip #2: If it looks wrong, it is wrong. If a guy swipes a card and the machine rejects it, cuff him immediately. You can ascertain his true identity later. Being late for a meeting should be the least of his worries at that point. A tourist holding a map inside a warehouse looking for a restaurant is obviously up to no good. Dispatch him immediately. If there's any complaints (if the guy miraculously survived being dispatched), refer him to your supervisor.

Tip #3: There's no such thing as a henchman 'corporate ladder'. There's not even job security. In fact, it's probably the most insecure job in Movie-ville, next to being the bad guy, or a market vendor in a curiously conducive location for a car chase. You're not going to get promoted. You'll sooner die than see a pay raise. And the circumstances under which you'll be offered a raise will not be in your favour. When the hero raids the bad guy's villa and tries to get him to surrender, the bad guy will say no and tell his henchmen that he'll offer a huge sum of money to whoever brings him the head of said hero, and then scamper off to 'safety', leaving you with the insurmountable task of dispatching a hero filled with serious intent.

Tip #4: Never, ever, kidnap someone who means the world to the hero. That will not end well, and you'll not even get a chance to spend the down payment of the ransom.

Tip #5: Initiative never pays. You're paid to do, not to think. Your boss will not welcome any suggestions you might have. Even if those suggestions would have saved him, it is his destiny to be vanquished. How dare you try to interfere with your boss' destiny, eh?

Tip#6: Endeavour not to be present during rituals, scientific experiments, and the like. Those are well above your pay grade. Let's just say that things you probably don't understand are always out to prove their point to the bad guy using the less fortunate. That means people like you.

Tip #7: Never be the bearer of bad news. This is even more important if your boss is a raging, psychotic... Er, actually, regardless of the nature of your boss, just don't be the one delivering bad news. It's bad for your health.

Tip #8: Be a coward. This involves basic maths skills, like counting. If the hero shows up, with or without backup, recognize that the odds are already stacked up against you and run for your life. Then you can go and snitch on your boss or whatever. Chances are that by the time the movie ends, you'll be blissfully sipping on a mojito somewhere serene, with witness security and everything, You'll survive and thrive, and you'll have a gift most henchmen never have... Peaceful retirement.

Silent Rebel...

Those days (before the new millennium) when I was young , I was very adventurous. I liked to do things that people didn't dare to try. I was a thrill-seeker, a daredevil, a maverick. Those things of telling me not to do stuff because it was dangerous fell on deaf ears. Okay, not entirely deaf ears, but if I didn't perceive the risk, I went ahead with it.

I remember once looking for Jambula. Those that know the fruit know how big a deal it is. Anyway, that particular tree happen to be lined with 'suicide' electricity wires and filled with caterpillars. But the allure of the purple fruits was too much to ignore. Of course I carefully navigated my way to the fruits and back down, with just a few caterpillar spikes in my finger as battle scars. Yup, I wanted the fruits and neither live wires nor caterpillars were going to stop me.

That was about the time my uncle thought I watched too much TV, so one day, he decided to lock the aerial  in his room. That wouldn't have been a problem, ordinarily, for I liked the outdoors. But that particular day, there was something I couldn't afford to miss. So, as the hour of truth drew near, I mobilized my baby cousins and had them swear to the secrecy of the mission that was about to take place. I wasn't going to tolerate any snitching. They seemingly agreed to my plan, for it was in our mutual interest. Now, there was a copper wire that was kept around for disciplinary purposes. I loathed it, for I had had the utmost displeasure of spending time 'bonding' with it on several occasions. There were many days when I had wanted to get rid of it, but doing that would have only led to more wrath from the powers that were. But that day, it was not going to be my foe. We were going to make an uneasy alliance. It was the perfect size, and after ripping off part of the plastic insulation, the diameter of the wire was enough to fit right into the RF port of the TV (the place where the aerial is inserted). Further bending it into an appropriate shape and pushing the TV back against the wall, I switched it on, beaming with satisfaction at my craftiness.

Then there was a problem. My uncle had used the remote control to set the TV on standby. All I heard was the TV coming on and seeing a ka red light instead of green. I was beset by a contingency I had not foreseen, and I had to improvise quickly, for the hour was almost upon us. My cousins were looking at me hopefully. They dared not to believe that their leader was going to fail them yet they were so close to victory. I scratched my chin contemplatively for a few minutes, and then pressed one of the program buttons and voila! The TV burst into life with visual and audio glory! I just needed to tweak the improvised aerial a little before we got a clear signal. Having bathed in the adulation of my minions, we sat down and settled just in time to catch the latest exciting episodes of Godzilla (The Animated Series) and Samurai X. I had already calculated that by the time my uncle returned, the shows would have ended. Thankfully, that day he didn't do that thing adults tend to do... Show up at the most inconvenient times and catch you red-handed doing something 'illegal'.

The next thing I did was to figure out the secret code for activating calls on the home telephone. But that's a story for another time. Ah, good times!